The Head is stately, calm and wise,
And bears a princely part,
While down below in secret lies
The warm, impulsive heart.
- John Godfrey Saxe
This blog today is for the free spirits. The ones that no matter how hard we try to go about our day to day, week to week, month to month we still feel that vortex pulling at us, niggling at our hearts. That inner child craving to discover a new world of adventure saying "let's go now." The logic of security and structure almost feels like iron prison bars clanging as they close around us, leaving nothing but a ghost of an echo in our minds.
Growing up in this structured society I have always felt gravitated to the "out of the box" thinkers. The wild and free that believe in the unknown, the ones that are not afraid to dream and follow their heart despite all logic and sense.
For me, I have lived and breathed an "all or nothing" approach to life, and at times I have been left with nothing. Stacking up my chips and betting on the wrong horse. But that's life, isn't it? Despite all setbacks we all still have to wake up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other to talk a step forward.
There is nothing more challenging for me then the feeling of being chained down. Sometimes it's been a negative person in my inner circle that steals my energy rather than tops me up. In the past, it has been a lack of finance restraining me, mental health shackling my feet to the ground so I can't fly.
After learning the importance of self-discipline, I have come to discover that it is us who holds the key to unlocking those chains. We are never helpless; it's only our mind telling us we are.
This month the black dog paid a little visit. It has been a while since I felt its presence sniffing at my ankles, subconsciously feeding it before I even become aware. My chest tight with anxiety, like a balloon almost about to burst. To relax and be "yin" has been near impossible.
Caught up in the processing on US immigrations my arms have been reaching out to grasp a hold of my USA VISA. My fingertips could almost feel it in my hands but still waiting touch it. It has been like holding my breath for 2 minutes and then being told you have to wait a little longer before you can breathe (ok, maybe not that dramatic). But to me, my life had become eerily still, but my mind wouldn't settle.
One evening my mother was cooking dinner, and I was walking in circles in the dining room. She asked, "what are you looking for?".
I paused, confused, I said: "What?"
She said, "You're walking round and round in circles, what are you looking for?".
I looked up at her and said "I'm sorry, I didn't even realise I was doing that. I just feel lost".
Topped with tears, anger, frustration and a short fuse I saw parts of my younger undisciplined spirit rise and make herself known.
I'm not sure if I felt the energy of someone sifting through my life judging me if I was eligible to work in the USA. But the day after my darker side had peeked I finally got take that breath, my USA VISA was approved and last Wednesday I travelled to Sydney where I was finally granted my 01 working visa in the USA.
To be jumping on a plan this week to make a move to Nashville would give me so much joy and fulfilment. It would ignite my heart into a million flames fueled by passion, lust, desire and my deep love of music. It's been a 5-year process of personal battles, financial setbacks and a hell of a lot of bravery.
My plan was to fly home for Christmas and get my last fix of a big family gathering before I leave for at least 12 months. I know that when I jump on that plane, I can't turn back around. My life in Australia will never be the same again. My soul has already been touched by a place that understands me, ignites me and fills me to the brim. I can't imagine trading that in without feeling like a part of me is missing.
In knowing that, I have decided to stay in Australia until after Christmas and to make my move early January. To spend this time no longer working towards my visa but spent making more lasting memories with the ones that I love. Spending more time with my Grandfather will be a highlight, I've made a new best friend who has given me the first taste of sweetness in many years and silly moments with my cousins will always be my childhood favourite.
But, like a double-edged sword whatever path I take moving forward my heart will feel sliced with a sharpened blade. I understand now why I needed to go through depression and why I had to learn how strong and determined my mind can be. I know in my heart, and in my head, this is the journey I need to take.
Despite the ones I love who I leave behind my mind keeps whispering "Keep going, you can do this".