I have always been a high achiever because I feel the need to prove my worth to people.
There I said it. Let's be real, cut the crap and just be honest.
I was never a pretty girl; I was awkwardly skinny with frizzy hair and bottle top glasses. The boys ran a little faster if I was on their tail in a game of "catch and kiss". I was in the bottom classes at school and even sent to the "special reading class", (still today my reading speed is equivalent to an 11-year-old). I was called "dumb" because my brain wasn't programmed like the other kids and I always felt like an outsider.
As I write this, I know a million other girls will most likely have a similar perspective reflecting on themselves.
I was 9 when the teacher conducting our school choir chose me to sing a solo because I had the loudest voice. At the same time, I was teaching the other clarinet players in the school band how to read music. By highschool I sat in the school yard singing to people at lunch time, and I appeared in the local paper a few times a month. My ego was ready to show off "what I can do" and my spirit was screaming out, "VALIDATE ME".
In my adult life, I found a natural ability to pick up most creative outlets and make good. Although now from a humble place and possibly a habit of my desire to seek and learn. Music, drawing, photography and spirituality come to mind. But my continual strive to aim higher and be better is because I want to prove that I'm worthy to myself and to those I love, (told you I'll be honest).
How many times have you questioned if a guy is "out of your league"? Compared yourself to your friends? Questioned if your partner or friend will still want you around if they knew you completely?
How beautifully vulnerable is it to ask yourself these questions? But how utterly terrifying to share these insecurities with someone else. So we bury them down (hopefully) never to reveal our inner self, longing to be accepted. We pray and hope that, that someone will prove our fears are ghosts that will disappear in the night with their validation.
We are all human, with a longing to be appreciated.
This is what I've learnt. If you exist, you are worthy. The end, full stop!
Growing up, my love for my father was put on trial and tested until I crumbled into pieces a crying mess needing comfort from him. It was only this week that I realised he did this because he didn't believe he was worthy without that validation. The behaviour of trialing and testing is something I have taken into my relationships, and learning this I wanted to address the fact of my doubt of being worthy.
We all play the leading lady in our story, most of us are too busy focusing on getting our part exquisitely perfect. If you have evolved enough to walk your life without making mental notes of the chorus's imperfections or show jealousy, you possibly look at other people with admiration holding them above yourself. Why don't we see ourselves in the same light? You are worth seeing yourself with the same admiration.
To conclude this week I wanted to note its totally ok to question yourself from time to time. But ultimately there is an unconditional loving force greater than all of us. We were born worthy, so let's start believing it.
Thank you so much for all the support this week with my Nashville campaign. This was another moment I questioned if I was worthy. However your support has been so incredible. I feel so blown away and grateful. Thank you.
To support the campaign please head to http://www.gofundme.com/katrinaburgoyne I have a brand new exclusive album coming soon. The only way to get your hands on a copy is through this campaign, I'm really excited about these songs.
Thank you for sharing another precious moment with me.